Harvard stops giving everyone A’s, an American politician floats ‘Zionist’ internment camps, the Taliban needs your cash for women’s rights, protein bars have been replaced by portable fish, and more!
Hello, and welcome back to TGIF with me, your corrupt host. And tune in to our mascot Joe Nocera’s new Free Press podcast, The Lindbergh Conspiracies. Oh, you bet we’re getting into true crime.
→ Massie lost but don’t worry, the party continues:
The great all-our-problems-are-Israel coalition unifier, Kentucky Republican congressman Thomas Massie, lost his primary race this week. The far left and far right are very upset. Democratic Rep. Ro Khanna of California cried out that “He lost because he had the guts to take on the Epstein class.” It’s always fun to hear new dog whistles for Jews. Last week it was globalists, this week Epstein class, maybe next week we’ll get “Spielberg’s ilk.” A girl can dream.
Or here’s Senator Chris Murphy, a Democrat from Connecticut: “So there you have it. If you lead a campaign against powerful pedophiles, you get drummed out of the Republican Party.” Anyway, Massie lost the race to be a congressman, which is a little like losing a race to become, I don’t know, a septic tank cleaner. What I’m saying is it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
And now I’m sure he’ll get rich on the new hard-right populist podcast circuit. It’s booming. Did you know that the new coalition of “Questions Regarding the Holocaust” is having a conference? Sorry, that’s not fair, they are just Men Who Perceive All Problems Jewishly.
Any niche political ideology that you want to get through fast, just attach it to being anti-Epstein.
The only little tiny glimmer here that I see is the apparent drop-off in Massie support in the 17–25 crowd, from a poll taken a week before the election. Maybe their brains have been less rotted by China’s TikTok warfare against American morale? Or maybe Massie is too soft for them.
→ This is a Dem who is, so far, winning her primary:
Lest you think there are only Massies on the right, here’s Maureen Galindo, who finished first in her Texas district’s congressional primary, moving ahead to a runoff next week. Galindo wrote that she will “turn Karnes ICE Detention Center into a prison for American Zionists and former ICE officers for human trafficking.”
She later clarified: “Putting Zionist billionaires in prison does not mean putting all Jews in internment camps.” Which, admittedly, is the sort of sentence you usually hope no elected official ever has to clarify.
→ The IRS can never audit a Trump:
It’s been a doozy of a week in President Trump Corruption Watch. After Trump sued the IRS for the leak of his tax returns, the government reportedly agreed to never audit Trump, his family, or his businesses again. Which is one way to simplify tax season.
But the real eye-popper is the proposed $1.8 billion “Anti-Weaponization Fund,” intended to compensate allies who claim they were unfairly targeted by the Biden administration. Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche called it “a lawful process for victims of lawfare and weaponization to be heard and seek redress.”
That’s right: a federally funded reimbursement program for vibes, grievances, and unanswered emails from mid-level White House staffers. America remains undefeated in creating entirely new categories of bureaucracy.
→ Harvard discovers the existence of B+ grades:
Harvard University announced new grading reforms this week after years of criticism that nearly everyone was graduating with honors-level GPAs. In a shocking twist, administrators appear to have rediscovered the concept of academic differentiation.
Somewhere deep beneath Cambridge, a dusty filing cabinet labeled “average student” was finally opened for the first time since 1997.
Students are reportedly concerned. Imagine working your whole life to get into Harvard only to discover someone there expects you to read the assigned material.
→ Portable fish is the new protein bar:
Silicon Valley wellness culture continues its beautiful transformation into Depression-era survivalism. Protein bars are out. Vacuum-sealed fish snacks are in.
Tech workers are apparently carrying around little packs of sardines like baseball cards now. Every startup founder I know suddenly talks about mackerel the way crypto guys used to talk about Ethereum.
“You’re still eating processed protein bars?” they ask, while peeling open a warm tuna pouch in a rideshare.
We have fully reinvented cat treats as lunch.
